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Praise done right: Moving beyond “good boy” or “good girl”

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Praise done right: Moving beyond

Parents, teachers, and caregivers often use phrases like “good boy” or “good girl” to encourage children. Whether a child has tied their shoes or solved a math problem, these phrases are intended to affirm their behaviour. However, some experts have suggested that such language may not be as beneficial as it seems. They argued that more specific, thoughtful praise might lead to healthier development.

Praise has long been considered essential in parenting. In the 1950s, psychologist B.F. Skinner promoted the idea that rewards, such as praise, reinforce positive behaviours. By the 1970s, the focus shifted toward using praise to build children’s self-esteem. However, modern research has started to question the long-term benefits of this approach.

Person praise vs. process praise

Experts differentiated between two kinds of praise: person praise and process praise. Person praise emphasises a child’s traits, like their intelligence or kindness, whereas process praise focuses on effort and behaviours. For example, telling a child, “You worked so hard on that puzzle,” acknowledges their effort, while “You’re so smart” emphasises an unchangeable trait.

Research suggested that person praise can lead to negative outcomes, such as reduced motivation and helplessness when faced with challenges. On the other hand, process praise tends to boost children’s confidence and perseverance, encouraging them to learn from their efforts.

The downsides of constant praise

Constant praise, especially evaluative or exaggerated praise, can also backfire, experts noted. Children may begin to seek approval from adults rather than acting for their own satisfaction. This can inhibit their ability to develop self-regulation and independence. According to recent studies, inflated praise—using terms like “amazing” or “incredible”—can even contribute to narcissistic tendencies, giving children an unrealistic view of their abilities.

Experts cautioned that these patterns could harm a child’s self-esteem, making them more likely to react negatively to failure, as they perceive their worth to be based on adult approval.

Alternatives to “good boy” and “good girl”

Research indicated that boys and girls may respond differently to praise. Boys are more likely to interpret praise as recognition of their competence, while girls often perceive it as a judgment of their ability to conform to expectations.

Experts suggested several strategies to improve how parents and teachers give feedback to children. Offering specific, realistic praise—such as “I see how hard you worked on that”—can encourage children to value their efforts. Additionally, focusing on improvement, rather than competition, helps children develop a growth mindset. Praise should also emphasise that a child is valued for who they are, not just for what they achieve.

“Humans are social beings, and children innately want connection with those closest to them. We can build those connections simply by giving them our attention – our warm, interested and supportive presence,” said Dr. Amanda Niland from the University of Sydney. “Whether it’s building with Lego together, sharing stories or unpacking the groceries, giving children our time and attention is far more beneficial than generalised praise.”



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