Content warning: This piece deals with pregnancy, miscarriage, and infant loss.
It was nearly two years ago, but I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I was in the bathroom when I saw something terrifying: blood.
As a 37-year-old cisgender woman, blood normally wasn’t a big deal. This was terrifying because I was seven weeks pregnant. When you get pregnant, you know loss is a possibility, but you never picture yourself miscarrying in a middle school bathroom on a Thursday morning.
I realized there was nothing I could do. Twenty-four eighth graders were waiting for me in my classroom. I had to face a harsh reality: I was likely losing my child, and despite that, I had to go back to my classroom.
I know I’m not alone in this experience.
An estimated 25% of pregnancies end in loss, and as teaching is a female-identifying-dominated profession, it’s likely pregnancy loss will touch many teachers’ lives.
Yet, many push through loss and continue teaching because they feel a deep sense of responsibility to their students, feel guilty about taking time off, or lack the support to take care of themselves. While my administration would have supported me taking time away, the idea seemed impossible: I was physically capable of doing my job, so I felt I still needed to do my job.
As conversations around pregnancy loss evolve, more people are talking about their experiences and sharing resources.
This includes Dr. Amanda Pinkham-Brown, an educator and researcher at East Carolina University. After a career in K-12 education, Pinkham-Brown started a new job and prepared to write a dissertation on teachers’ unionization efforts and burnout.
Then, she received terrible news. She writes in her dissertation: “At 36 weeks and 3 days, my husband and I tragically learned our daughter had no heartbeat. Three days later, after a lengthy induction, she was born still. I had the impossible task of meeting and saying goodbye to my first child on the same devastating day.”
In the wake of this terrible loss, Pinkham-Brown also had to navigate her work situation. She didn’t qualify for paid leave yet and felt working would be better than sitting at home. Still, that meant going to work two weeks after giving birth, surrounded by people she didn’t know and who hadn’t known her when she was pregnant.
The experience was “surreal,” she remembers, and when it shifted the focus of her work, Pinkham-Brown pivoted to consider how her experience was reflected in the education system. “I wondered, what does it feel like to operate within this system when you’re going through a difficult time?” she shares. “How does the system support you or not support you?” So, Pinkham-Brown collected stories from 43 teachers and interviewed 5 to better understand their journeys navigating pregnancy loss as educators.
Pinkham-Brown’s research is a powerful tool for considering how school communities can support teachers who experience pregnancy loss. She spoke about her findings and provided recommendations and resources.
What are some of the particular struggles teachers are going through during pregnancy loss?
Through her research, Dr. Pinkham-Brown identified unique challenges that teachers experiencing pregnancy loss face while working at a school.
Not all grieving strategies are feasible for people who work in a school.
“I read a lot of HR and management literature about bereavement and pregnancy loss in the workplace. As I read articles about supporting people, I just kept ticking things off the list, ‘Well, you can’t do that in a school; you can’t do that as a teacher.’ Most of the recommendations are things like giving low-stress tasks or allowing hybrid work. All these flexible things are just so difficult to do in a school.”
It’s not always possible to compartmentalize your emotions at school.
“Your tolerance window is also much lower, so things that might have only made you a little upset are now completely pushing you over your threshold, and there’s often no way to take a break. There’s also the triggering nature of working with kids. For some, it’s helpful, but for some, it’s really hard. One woman said that watching her students run into their parents’ arms would break her heart. It’s such an emotional job, and we love being teachers; it’s part of our identity, so when these things come together, there’s also the guilt of feeling like you’re not giving it your all.”
The healing process is physically demanding too.
“Pregnancy loss is an experience that’s so mentally taxing and, for many people, physically taxing. You’re trying to find a minute to stuff cabbage in your top because you’re leaking milk because there’s no baby to nurse, while your students are waiting for you. You’re grieving, you’re leaking, and you’re bleeding in a world where ‘messy’ female bodies are already stigmatized. It’s a special kind of awful.”
What was something that surprised you about your findings?
Dr. Pinkham-Brown shared these observations and patterns from her research that offer insight into the experiences of teachers who have experienced pregnancy loss.
Many teachers had positive stories of compassion to share.
“I was actually surprised at how many good experiences people had. I was expecting everyone to have a horror story—there are horror stories—but almost everyone had a story of a beautiful connection they made. One woman said, ‘I’m never going to leave my school now because of how wonderful everyone was.’ People shared stories of their coworkers coming over with flowers, vice principals covering class, or superintendents advocating for them to get actual leave. It felt uplifting to see that even though systems can be hostile, some people can still retain their humanity and hold space for each other.”
Personnel and leadership can make a powerful difference.
“There was also no clear indicator of what would indicate a more positive experience in a school. There was no correlation between elementary versus secondary or public versus private versus charter. Really, it came down to personnel and leadership. The kind of culture a school had affected the experience.”
How can schools and administrators provide better support for educators who experience pregnancy loss?
Schools aren’t always equipped with the best supports in place for teachers when they experience pregnancy loss. Here are simple things they can do to make these teachers feel seen and supported, according to Dr. Pinkham-Brown.
Understand and support the need for leave time.
“People are draining their sick leave to take care of themselves or scared to drain it in case they get pregnant again. Even people who had positive experiences said they wished there were better leave policies or that miscarriage qualified as a medical leave or bereavement leave, and bereavement leave is only three days. I did see that people who could easily access leave had more positive experiences.
“Also, make sure to be supportive of the leave. If the person on leave is still getting messages to input grades or explain sub plans, that can be really problematic. If someone else can write sub plans or manage things, schools or administrators should handle that.”
Ask how you can support their transition back to work.
“Do they want to tell people or not? Offering to manage communication for them can be helpful since many of them didn’t want to share the story eight times in a row. That’s a huge piece that leadership can take off people’s hands.”
Remember: Acknowledgment matters.
“Just acknowledging this moment of grief that this is a huge loss can be helpful. Especially with miscarriages, people can feel very invisible. It’s important to acknowledge that, no matter what, this is a terrible experience. Research actually shows there isn’t a tangible difference in grief depending on the gestational age of the child lost. So, saying things like, ‘at least it was early’ or ‘at least you can get pregnant again’ can hurt. Not only are they grieving, but now they’re beating themselves up because they think they shouldn’t be sad.
“We can also be thoughtful about the kinds of activities we engage in. We never know who is going through a loss. Something like a baby shower in work meetings, so now everyone has to attend, isn’t neutral for everyone.
“Finally, just be understanding. Check in and see what they want because it’s very individual how someone wants to be treated. Hearing them without judgment is important. We don’t want to assume what people are feeling. Just giving space and asking how they’re doing can be powerful.”
What do you want to share with teachers who have experienced or may experience pregnancy loss?
Jackie Mancinelli, who runs Start Healing Together, works with teachers to help them work with administrators, go back to work, or plan for infertility treatments. She’s a resource teachers should know about.
Here’s Mancinelli’s advice for teachers who have experienced pregnancy loss or may experience it in the future:
If you’re able to take leave, take it.
“So many people said they were afraid to take off days or could think of a lot of reasons why not to do it, but then they wished they had taken the time off. Our jobs are physical and emotional, and this loss is physical and emotional as well. So, while not everyone can do it, if you can take the time off to take care of yourself, you should.”
Find someone who can be supportive—even just one person in the building who can be an ally or just sit with them.
“Finding someone who can help support them is important so they feel less alone.”
Give yourself some breathing room.
“This is the best thing you can do, especially in the immediate aftermath Ask for help. See if someone else can write the sub plans for you or help manage things so you can really focus on yourself. It makes a big difference.”
In her dissertation, Pinkham-Brown writes that she and her support group “rejected the notion that everything happens for a reason and instead embraced the idea of creating our own meaning from our losses. There is no silver lining to the death of my child, but I want good in the world because of her death.” Her research is an important and powerful reminder and resource for us all as we create a kinder, more caring, and more inclusive space for those experiencing pregnancy loss.