You don’t have to be Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo to have an appreciation for the beautiful game of soccer. Soccer is the world’s most popular sport, and it’s played in over 200 countries. Whether you’ve just lost a tough match and need something to lighten the mood or just enjoy watching the sport, you’ll get a kick out of these soccer jokes, puns, and one-liners. Read, bookmark, and share them with your players or fellow fans!
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Funny Soccer Jokes
1. What is a ghost’s favorite soccer position?
Ghoul keeper.
2. What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!
3. Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?
Because she always runs away from the ball.
4. Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?
They watch cricket instead.
5. What kind of tea do soccer players drink?
Penal-tea.
6. My boyfriend made a save in a soccer game.
That’s how I knew he was a keeper.
7. Which soccer player has the biggest cleats?
The one with the biggest feet.
8. What position do ghosts play in soccer?
Ghoulie.
9. What is it called when a dinosaur scores a goal?
A dino-score.
10. Where do soccer players go to dance?
The Futball.
11. What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
12. Why couldn’t anyone see the soccer ball?
The defense cleared it.
13. What time is it when a soccer team chases a baseball team?
Eleven after nine (9:11).
14. Why shouldn’t you play soccer in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!
15. Why did the soccer ball quit the team?
It was tired of being kicked around.
16. Why do soccer players come up with the best soccer jokes?
They know how to use their heads.
17. What kind of soccer team cries when it loses?
A bawl club.
18. How do birds cheer for their soccer teams?
They egg them on.
19. Why did the chicken get ejected from the soccer game?
Persistent fowl play.
20. Why didn’t the dog want to play soccer?
He was a boxer.
21. How do soccer players stay cool during games?
They play near the fans.
22. Why did the soccer player bring string to her game?
So she could tie the score.
23. What time is it when an elephant steps on your soccer ball?
Time to get a new ball.
24. Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Soccer.
Soccer who?
Socc-ser in the drawer.
25. What do soccer referees send during the holidays?
Yellow cards.
26. What are successful forwards always trying to do?
Reach goals.
27. Which soccer player keeps the field neat?
The sweeper.
28. Why did the defensive soccer player cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
29. Why couldn’t the all-star soccer player listen to music?
Because he broke all the records.
30. What do you call someone who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?
A soccer coach.
31. Where do forwards go to dance?
Soccer balls.
32. Why didn’t the lousy soccer team have a website?
They couldn’t string three W’s together.
33. A soccer riddle: Two soccer teams play a game against each other. The home team wins, but not a single man from either team scored a goal. How can this be?
They were women’s soccer teams!
34. Why can’t you play soccer with pigs?
They hog the ball.
35. How does a tea bag play soccer?
It steep-kicks the ball.
36. Why did the soccer team visit the Bermuda Triangle?
To find their missing soccer ball.
37. Why was the soccer player’s uniform always wrinkled?
Because they couldn’t find an iron in the soccer stadium.
38. Why was the light bulb good at soccer?
It’s always the brightest player on the field!
39. Why was the bad soccer announcer fired?
He couldn’t find the back of the net with his words.
40. What do a bunch of soccer fans and a bunch of people chasing butterflies have in common?
Both are a swarm.
41. What kind of soccer team cries after every match?
The “tear-mendous” players.
42. What part of a football pitch smells the worst?
The end zone, after a soccer match!
43. Why are scrambled eggs like a losing soccer team?
Because they’ve both been beaten.
44. What runs around a soccer field but never moves?
A fence.
45. What do you call it when soccer players don’t wear their cleats?
Socker.
46. What do you call it when electric eels play soccer?
Shocker.
47. What do you call a very tiring soccer match?
Slog-cer.
48. What do you call it when soccer fans cry like a baby if their team loses?
Soccer bawl.
49. Why don’t soccer fans wear eyeglasses?
It’s a contact sport.
50. What is the name of the soccer team that plays in tall grass?
Weeds United.
51. What is the name of the soccer team made up of jokers?
Manjester United.
52. What is the name of the soccer team made up of confused and misguided players?
Liverfool.
53. What soccer team is made up of light bulbs?
Wattford.
54. What is the name of the soccer team where witchcraft is a no-no?
Notwitch City.
55. What is the name of the sunburned soccer team?
Burntley FC.
56. What is the name of the brightest soccer team?
Lightcester City.
57. What is the name of the crookedest soccer team?
Bentford.
58. What do you call a soccer team with only wingers?
Birdmingham City.
59. Which soccer team is made up of only nuns?
Conventry City.
60. Which soccer team is made up of midfielders only?
Middlelessborough.
61. Which soccer team is made up of sheep?
Baaaa-celona.
62. Which soccer team is just learning to read?
ABCDE FC.
63. What do you call a referee in a doggie soccer match?
A rufferee.
64. What do you call a Greek philosopher who played soccer?
Soccerates.
65. Who is one of the richest soccer players in the world?
Cristiano Rollindough.
66. What do you call a pig who doesn’t pass the ball?
A ball hogger.
67. What is a goalkeeper’s favorite snack?
Beans on the post.
68. How do Italian soccer players ask their teammates to pass the ball?
Pasta bowl.
69. What does a soccer player say on Halloween?
Hat trick or treat!
70. What do you call a ship that holds 20 soccer teams, and 3 teams leave it each season?
Premier-ship.
71. How does the top of the soccer goal post feel every time a ball hits it?
Crossbar.
72. What do you call a Greek mythical creature playing soccer?
Centaur forward.
Soccer Puns and One-Liners
73. When the pitch gets flooded, soccer teams bring on the subs.
74. My mom told me to never date a soccer player because there is only a 1-in-11 chance they are a keeper.
75. Soccer is the only sport that’s not a game of inches. It’s a game of feet.
76. Soccer players are always the first to get the ball rolling in any task.
77. Soccer pitches get wet very quickly because players are always dribbling.
78. Salmon are known for their dream of being pro-fish-sional soccer players.
79. I tell soccer jokes just for kicks.
80. Swimmers are awful at soccer because they keep diving.
81. The best place to buy a new soccer shirt is New Jersey.
82. That soccer player is so bright, his mother calls him “sunshine” when he’s on the field.
83. Soccer defenders: truly a goal-oriented bunch!
84. Cleat expectations: When you think you’ll win the game by just lacing up.
85. Offsides? More like “Aw, sides … I thought I was clear!”
86. I knew a soccer ball who was quite inflated. It had such a big ego.
87. The grass is always greener where you’re not playing soccer.
88. The man who invented soccer got a kick out of it.
89. My son played soccer in the mud all day, so he was a little Messi.
90. If you were a soccer ball, I’d never shoot, because I would always miss you.
91. They should end soccer games with an art competition. That way it would be win, lose, or draw.
92. Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
93. Soccer is a strange game—it’s a bunch of people running away from their goals.
94. I’m a soccer for you.
95. Left and right midfielders eat wings after the game.
96. Punt-il next time.
97. I shot you should know the truth.
98. It’s past your soc-cerfew.
99. Cracking good soccer jokes is my goal.
100. When you pay with soccer balls, it is called soc-cerrency.
101. The soccer player was free kick–ing out about taking a penalty shot.
102. Soccer players are tricky because they know how to set traps.
103. The best dog breed for soccer is the goal-den retriever.
104. Referees are just soccer players who have gone blind.
105. Heard someone say they had to play soccer with second graders. They should really invest in a ball.
